DON'T PANIC!!!

Tips for surviving Kenya:

- Don't flinch when Kenyans hit their kids. 

- Do wash your hands after touching one of these kids. Two words: Poo Hands. 

- Don't let a Kenyan see you cry. They don't know how to handle it. 

- Don't take offense when multiple Kenyans call you fat. Apparently its a good thing. Never feels like it though.

- Enjoy the tea breaks. Thanks England.

- Ignore the weird milk skin that forms on top of your tea. 

- Don't think about the things you crave.

- Don't freak out every time you wake up with bug bites. It's going to happen and often.

- Don't be sarcastic. It doesn't translate.

- Do wear two sports bras. 

- Do remember to take your malaria medication. 

- Don't under cook anything.

- Do hold your breath around piles of burning garbage. 

- Always carry wipes.

- Practice squatting. 

I be dubbed...

My Gikuyu name is Mwihaki. Pronounced M-wee-ha-kee. Now say it faster.
It means someone who his proud of herself. My co-workers say its a good thing. I can only assume it roughly translates as confident. That, or they can taste my narcissism.

Ode to Matatu

The Toyota Matatu might be the finest vehicle ever made.
If you ride a Matatu first let me explain the concept of personal space. You have none. Be prepared for the stranger sitting next to you to climb onto your lap if an additional person needs to enter the vehicle.
Please don't touch the space between the driver and the row of seats behind him. It will melt your flesh off. Caution.
Even though there are 22 passengers crammed into an 11 passenger vehicle, and the hot African sun is beating down on you, don't open the window. Someone will reach in and steal whatever is in your hand. They don't care if its an orange, they were hoping it was your phone.
Try not to lean on the door. It may fall off. It will probably fall off.

With those warnings in mind, the Toyota Matatu is the finest vehicle I've ever ridden in.

It is an hour and a half drive to get from Nakuruu (the nearest big city) to get to my village Gwakiongo. In order to do this trek you must drive up a very steep unpaved muddy hill dodging rouge sheep and cows. Each time, I'm convinced that the Matatu will get stuck in a pothole that is big enough for small children to use as a wading pool, and they do. Or it will capsize when the Matatu offroads into someones front yard. I've done this journey almost four time now and each time I am amazed at what this car can do. I want one.

Oh Holy Smells.

I need to get dressed. Well, actually I need to get undressed first seeing as I sleep in 5 layers of clothes. Then I will hopefully try to eliminate some of the smells coming off of my body with the supply of wipes I have. Then get dressed and go to church. Yes that's right, Church. Its my goal for the day. Church and religion are a big deal here in Kenya. The missionaries did a right job of fucking this place up and then promptly leaving. They need to get back here and fix it, but I digress. My goal here for the next three months is to integrate. That includes going to church and having people say things behind my back such as, "Oh, the white girl goes to church!" and "Look! She has faith. She isn't just a heathen like we thought all Americans are".
Amen.

Ni Wegaaaaaa

Why Hello Mirangine, Kenya. My name is Iwona. I am here as a Peace Corps Volunteer. Please stop staring. No seriously, stop staring. 

Why hello Mamma selling charcoal on the side of the road. I would love to buy some charcoal from you, but first I need to buy a jiko(charcaol stove) and a sufaria(pot) so that I can cook food. Will you please show me where I can buy these things? Oh, you are going to walk with me the whole way and make sure no one low balls me and gives me the mazungu(white person) price. Why thank you so much. You are my first friend here in Mirangine. 

Oh hello random man on the side of the road who is obviously irritated because I didn't greet you initially before I asked you a question, but then gets considerably happier because I then greet you in your mother tongue of Gikuyu. Can you show me where the matatu stop is for going into Nakuruu? Oh, you are going to walk me the whole way there so I don't get lost. Thank you so much. Asante sana. 

Goodbye man that sits unnecessarily close to me on the matatu to Nakuruu and asks me to take him to America with him. I told you four times already I have a boyfriend! and he can kick your ass. And no I won't  help you get a green card either. See ya. 

Goodbye adorable little baby sitting next to me on the return matatu who won't stop crying. I know you are so so so happy that your mother bought you a sucker but could you please not touch my hair with your sticky little hand. Thanks. See you never. 

Hello three really friendly men who are installing electricity in my tiny little room so I can have light in the afternoons, but more importantly so I can write this blog post. You are too kind and insist on thanking me over and over for coming and living in your country for two years. I hope there are more people like you to come. 

Mamma Iwona

Silvia feeding me cake.

 Cutting the Cake. 

 My host Mamma and Me. She bought me fabric as a gift.

My older sister feeding me cake.

This is my good-bye party at my host family. My mamma was a great host. She's Boss. She is a widow and has a stand in the market where she sells underwear and jerseys, she is also a land lady, grandmother and all around action star. I'll never forget her and the amazing hospitality her family showed me these last two months.

Habari Yenu

Hello Internet and fellow internet friends. If you want to listen, I would like to tell you about my adventures. Nothing to fancy or flashy. Just some stories about a girl living in Kenya, working with the Ministry of Public Health and struggling to communicate in a language that is just a series of abrasive commands. I'll talk about all few successes, my many failures and about the numerous GI infections that I will inevitably contract in between. 

Here's what I love about Kenya so far...

1. The handshakes

2. Healthy food is cheap, and junk food is expensive.

3. Kenyans have the most beautiful and white smiles.

4. The exchange rate. 

5. The hats little kids wear.

6. The weather

7. Seeing baboons cross the road.

8. Kenyan time. 

9. Kenyans LOVE Obama more then any American I have ever met.

10. Hakuna Matata is used in general conversation.

Here's what I will hopefully learn to love, or eventually not care about anymore...

1. The word Mazungu (Ma-zoon-gu). Its what Kenyans call white people. It's not used in a nice way, but used frequently. 

2. The many additional grey hairs that have shown up on my head since arriving.

3. The blandness of the Kenyan food.

4. Not being able to wash my hands when I want to.

5. Wearing slips.

6. Matatus (Ma-ta-too) 11 seat vans used as public transportation that usually have at least 17 people crammed into them. 

7. Bargaining the price for everything that is not sold in a store.

8. The smell of burning garbage.

9. Calling "pants" "trousers" and saying "pleat" instead of "braid".

10. Never having a crisp, cold and refreshing glass of anything.